The Psychology of Control: Why Letting Go Sets You Free

It’s no surprise that so many of us struggle with control issues. Especially lately, the world feels wildly unpredictable. As a therapist in Los Angeles for over 30 years, I’ve seen how this desire for control plays out in my clients’ lives and in my own. It shows up in relationships, careers, health, parenting, politics, and even something as mundane as going to the grocery store and not finding your favorite food item is not in stock.  But control, for all the energy we put into it, is largely an illusion.

I know, I know, cue the eye roll. But this isn’t new-age fluff. It’s a perspective rooted in psychology, philosophy, and plain old life experience.

Let’s break that down.

Why We Crave Control

Control gives us the illusion of safety. It helps us believe we can predict the future, avoid pain, and ensure things go according to plan. In fact, our brains are wired for it. Predictability reduces what we in the psychology business call “cognitive load,” which is the mental effort it takes to process and manage information.

When we know what’s coming, we can relax. When we don’t? We get anxious. And in uncertain times like these, that anxiety gets loud.

Control becomes a coping mechanism. We try to manage our partners, children, co-workers, and even strangers online. We make endless lists. We plan everything down to the minute. We obsess over outcomes. But what are we really doing?

We’re trying to ease discomfort. To make the chaos make sense.

The Truth About Control

Here’s the hard truth: we don’t control much.

You can’t control other people’s thoughts, behavior, or feelings. You can’t control the economy, traffic, pandemics, politics, or natural disasters. And even when we think we’re in control, we’re often not.

What we can control is our own response.

That’s the good news. You have influence. You have choice. And that’s where real power lives.

Influence vs. Control

This is an important distinction. You might not control a situation, but you can influence it. That might look like showing up with integrity, exploring your options, making a clear request, setting a boundary, or doing your best work even when others aren’t.

When we confuse influence with control, we get stuck in frustration. We demand outcomes. We try to bend reality to our will. When we shift toward influence, we step into agency. That means recognizing our capacity to influence how we think, feel, and act, even when we can’t change the situation itself.

We work with what is, not what we wish it would be.

The Cost of Control

When control becomes rigid, it turns into a trap.

We become perfectionists. We micromanage. We can’t relax. We lash out when others don’t meet our expectations. We feel constantly disappointed. Resentful. Exhausted.

Worse, we damage relationships. Because no one wants to be controlled. And the more we push, the more others pull away.

This is when I often ask clients, gently, “What would it feel like to loosen your grip?”

Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up

Let me be clear: letting go isn’t the same as giving up.

Letting go is accepting reality. It’s saying, "This is what is." Not "This is what I want it to be."

In Buddhist practice (which I’m still trying to embrace myself), there is a concept of surrender. Not in defeat, but in wisdom. Surrender means we stop pushing against the unmovable. We recognize what is within our influence and what isn’t.

It means living in the moment, responding to what’s right in front of us, and releasing our grip on expectations.

Control and Anxiety

Here’s something fascinating: many people report feeling less anxious once they admit they don’t have control. It’s counterintuitive, but true. Because now, you’re no longer trying to manage the unmanageable. The pressure is off.

When people truly understand this, it can be one of the most freeing experiences of their lives. It gives permission to feel rather than fix. To grieve what can’t be changed. And to move forward with clarity and strength.

What Does Control Look Like in Practice?

You might be clinging to control if:

●  You try to manage other people’s decisions.

●  You feel personally responsible for others’ happiness.

●  You replay conversations and wish you had said things differently.

●  You struggle to delegate.

●  You get anxious when plans change.

●  You avoid taking risks unless you’re sure of the outcome.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. This is human. But you don’t have to stay there. (Well, you do have to stay human, but…keep reading.)

Strategies for Letting Go

Here are a few ideas that can help:

1. Notice when you’re gripping. Awareness is the first step. Pay attention to moments when you feel tense, reactive, or controlling.

2. Ask: Is this within my control? If not, shift your energy. If yes, take meaningful action.

3. Name your feelings. Control is often a mask for fear, grief, or vulnerability. Say it out loud. Journal. Talk to someone.

4. Practice acceptance. That doesn’t mean you have to like it. Just start with, “This is what’s happening right now.”

5. Use the Serenity Prayer. Even if you’re not religious, the message is timeless:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

6. Reclaim your energy. Focus on what you can influence: your words, actions, boundaries, and choices.

7. Seek support. Letting go is easier when we’re not doing it alone. Whether it’s a friend, therapist, or support group, connection helps.

8. Explore your options:  One of the most helpful tips I was ever given involves exploring my options in any situation. Sometimes we believe that we only have one or two options in any given situation. That may or may not be true. I have learned always to try to explore a third option, even if nothing else seems possible. This causes me to take a pause and think if there is another way that I may not have immediately thought of.  This engenders more in the way of creative thinking and helps with problem-solving.

Final Thoughts

The idea that we can control people or the world is a myth. But learning to let go of that illusion doesn’t mean defeat; it means freedom. When you stop gripping so tightly, you open yourself up to something far more powerful: choice, presence, and peace.

So, the next time you feel the urge to control something, pause. Breathe. Ask yourself: What can I influence? How do I want to show up?

And then let go of the rest.

You’ll be amazed at how much lighter it feels.

If you’ve been struggling with control, whether it’s the urge to hold on too tightly or the discomfort of letting go, you’re not alone. The truth is, these are normal human responses to a world that feels increasingly unpredictable. But you don’t have to navigate it all on your own.

If you’d like support learning how to shift from control to agency, I invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.